written and directed by. Friday, Jul. 31, 2009 3:35 PM

I woke up this morning to go to the bathroom. I am on my period. Instead of one, I pull out two tampons. I have absolutely no recollection of how the second one might have gotten in there. It is a vagina mystery.

Been having exceedingly vivid dreams lately. They started after I came back to Saskatoon, having spent five days in Regina with Wolf, the boyfriend.

The first night back, I had this one. I was entirely convinced of its veracity while I got up and started getting ready for the day. I got into the shower and was wondering why I didn't have paws or fur.

Paws? Fur? That's right, my dream was that I was a werewolf.

Three of my werewolf buddies and I lived in a giant house/lodge type of thing with four vampires. We'd come together to try to live in solidarity with people who knew what it was like to not be human. It was a grand old time and I was gainfully employed as a high school teacher. Luckily for me, I was the kind of werewolf that could control my transformations except under the light of a full moon, so I could lead a relatively normal life. Then, one day, one fateful day, I was cooking in the kitchen at home when one of the vampire chicks (who was a super bitch, I hated her) came in to see what was going on. I tripped and spilled a whole container of minced garlic on her. She burnt into a pile of ashes. Oh woe, my culinary misfortunes had begun a war in the household! Us werewolves managed to evict the vampires before they'd killed any of us, and we began preparing for a battle. Wolf, with all of his wonderful timing skills, picked that moment to come over and visit. He knew about my room-mates being vampires and werewolves, but he didn't know that I was one. As soon as he walked in, I hustled him into a bedroom, sat you down and said, "Would you like to join our undead numbers?!", to which he replied along the lines of, "What the fuck?", so I transformed into my werewolf shape (a sexy, huge-breasted, rusty coloured lycanthrope standing around seven feet tall, think along the lines of how they're portrayed here). After Wolf was done staring, he begged me to make him one of us, so I bit him and he went into this huge, rageful transformation. He was around eight feet tall, dark brown mottled with gray and black, and he was hugely, vastly muscular. We had some of the most intense, ridiculous werewolf sex right then and there. Just as he was about to douse the world with his canine semen, I woke up, completely sure that it was all real, all still happening. I was most confused when I realized this was not the case.

The second one was worse. Very scary. I don't have dreams like this very often anymore.

A few old friends and I were hanging out in his basement (which incidentally looks like my dad's basement), visiting with his mother and stuff. In real life, my friend's dad is in prison for embezzlement, and he's a huge dickhead. He's actually never been nice to me, and I hate the bastard. Well, we're hanging out with his mom, just chilling, talking, whatever, no big deal. His mom leaves to go to bed, and we just continue to talk and chill out. As we're getting ready to pack it in and hit the hay, his dad comes downstairs and turns off the lights. We're all just sitting around, holding completely still, unsure of what's going on. His dad smiles very slowly, stares around the room as if he couldn't see us, and he pulls out a gun. He fires off shots that land just to the right, the left and directly above me, missing me by centimeters. My friends continue to hold still as he completely empties the clip, but I dive down to the ground and huddle behind a chair, trying to be silent. His last bullet hits the back of the chair, exactly where my heart would have been if I were still sitting there. He smiles again and begins to laugh quietly. Suddenly, all the lights go on and he begins to scream. He tries to fire the gun at me again, pulling the trigger wildly, but it continues to click as it is still empty. I jump up and grab for the gun, fighting him for possession of it, while my friends yell and shout, trying to stop me. I finally manage to wrest the gun from him and we all flee up the stairs. I grab a phone and call 911, only to have some stupid, inane conversation with the operator who was of no help at all. Suddenly, a loud bang from behind me, and I go completely still. He'd just shot me in the back and I can feel the warmth slowly spread across my back. I begin to scream over and over again, at first, nothing but sounds, but it forms itself into words. I began to scream Wolf's name, and as I do that, I wake up. I was crying and screaming out loud, trying to find him, but he wasn't there.

I wonder what my brain is going through lately...

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