late night tv. Friday, Mar. 06, 2009 12:24 PM

I just realized that I never wrote in here about my parents splitting up.

I wonder why I would leave something like that out of a diary that is obviously about the most important things in my life. Maybe, if I didn't mention it, it wouldn't be real. Maybe, if I ignored it, everything would go back to being okay. But that definitely didn't happen.

I was sitting in the hot-tub at home one day in October, reading and watching the snow fall. Mom and dad had been a little weird lately but nothing out of the ordinary. They seemed stressed, but nothing major. Well, dad came outside, looking very blank. That's the part I remember. His face had shut down, and he wasn't seeing anything that was in front of him. He was looking... Elsewhere. And he told me that mom was leaving. I didn't react. I just... Talked to him calmly, rationally. Mom came out, and I think she was angry at dad for telling me about it. After a bit of a chat, I got up and went inside.

I don't remember a lot of what happened and why. I didn't show them much of my hurt or my anger. I couldn't. I was the oldest, the most independent, the most responsible. I had to hold it together. I've never let them see what they've done to me.

Mom moved out. She got a place on Broadway, basement suite, nice place. Dad kept the house, and I lived there with them until the end of November. Moved out again on my own at the start of December. I was ready to break down at that point, the day before I moved out. There was so much tension in the house. I couldn't stand it.

Dad is an emotional wreck. He is completely unstable, wildly overcompensating for every emotion he has and deals with. He fluctuates, he flails, he goes off the deep end all of the time. He seems to think that I am his therapist. He asks me for advice on everything. He tells me all sorts of things that I don't want to hear. He's seeing a woman that I can't stand. I call her Cruella DeVille. I've only met her once, and I never want to see her again. Things with dad are awkward and depressing. He went to Chicago February 13th for a business trip, and I haven't seen him since then. I can't. He depresses me. I love him so much, but I can't deal with him like this. I think he needs help. He needs to see a psychiatrist.

Mom is doing really well. She flourished after leaving. Very social, very happy, very ambitious, full of life. She started seeing a guy about a month after she moved out, and they're still together. He moved in with her because a situation with his ex-wife caused him to have no house to live in. I really like him. He's a great guy, good for my mom. He has a ten-year old daughter. That part is very awkward. I hate kids, and I am not ready to deal with the "step-sister/step-brother" thing, but that's essentially what this girl has become. I don't like it when she's there, but luckily, she mostly stays with her mother. I like seeing my mom's boyfriend, he's a fun guy, but I don't like seeing them be couple-y or intimate or anything like that. It happened for the first time last night, and it made me feel very awkward.

I am glad that I live on my own and can deal with these people at my discretion. I know that I'm not okay with it yet. There is a lot of anger and a lot of betrayal in me. I was seeing a therapist for a while, but I can't afford it anymore. I don't know what to do with these feelings. I guess I'll deal with it as I go.

I still don't know why I didn't write about this sooner.

action or consequence